Love Kills
by tinkerberryandquinnbee
Summary: AU Quinn has a secret, a really dark one. Will she ever find the only thing she can't have? Or is she doomed to a life of seeing but not knowing it?
1. Chapter 1 The Biggest Party In Town

**CHAPTER 1 – THE BIG PARTY IN TOWN**

The good things about parties - the more alcohol, the best -, is that everybody is so interested in having a good time, that people like me can come and go unnoticed. I eat, I drink, and I'm even able to sleepover, sometimes. To say that you can live your life like it was a party never has been more right.

But the best things about parties is the fact that everybody is so interested in having a good time that people like me can come and go unnoticed. I am invisible. And, more important, _they_ are invisible to me. Between the latest gossip, the make-outs and the occasional free shots of alcohol, I have no needs to satisfy. And as long as I'm satisfied, things are far more calm and safe. No dangers.

Plus, there's _always_ some party going on, if you know how to search for it. Just avoid weirdo bars, too crowded places – unless, of course, if you're sure you're in a calm time, then it's ok -, and you'll be fine. Whenever you look for fun, the socially accepted kind of fun, you find it. And so, all the "complications" that the other fun can bring, especially if you still a little clumsy, like me, are just not coming.

In fact, in the last fifteen years, I just had to, how to put it, _work things out _only in a count-on-a-hand times. It's not easy, still, but it's not harder than… Well, never mind. All you have to know is that now I am pretty much "controlled", as they say. Or just lucky as hell, as _I_ say.

You know, from what I heard, is easier from those who was born in the last 20 years. With all the technologic boom going on, people can just plug in some control pad, a 3D glasses and feels like is really shootingsomeone else's head. It's kind of lame, actually, but hey, I'm not really complaining, here. And I definitively would change a few things in the "like the real thing" thing.

Ok, you might be thinking, why a girl would be so keen about stupid 3D shooting video game, right? Well, you have to know that I am definitively _not _just another average girl.

But, this can wait. I have a party to go, a big one. According to my friend Santana, this gonna be the biggest party in town.

Santana is waiting for me inside of her car - a second handed '58 Plymouth Christine-alike red and white painted she won from her father-, and judging by her face, she's impatient.

- Where the hell have you been, Fabray? I've been waiting for you for almost half an hour – She did a small wave with her left hand – Never mind. Look, I know you're really busy with whatever you spend your entire time doing, but we have a party to go, remember?

- I know, San, I was just…

- We didn't hang out together since, I don't know, _ages?_ You should be more excited about it. – She opened the passenger door and was smiling for me with her "Imma kill you in your sleep, sweety" smile. - _Won't you get inside the damn car?_

I just stood there, staring blankly at her, not afraid at all, but slowly get in the car, letting her usual 'kindness' sink in.

-Don't misunderstand me, Santana, of course I'm excited with the party – I say as I put the seat belt.

- But…? – She looks at me with a raised eyebrow.

- But… - I sigh. – You know how I am about too crowded parties, right? I really don't like to walk in a place totally unwarned about what I'll find.

- Why do you have to be like this? – Santana turns in her seat, to look better at me. I bet that if the signal lasted longer, she would turn off the car just to analyze me better.

- What do you mean?

- Why do you have to be so, I don't know, _overprotective_? Whenever someone try to be friends with you, you just put you HBIC façade and act out as a straight up bitch.

- It's green, let's go. – I point the signal. And then I point to her – Look who is talking… Isn't that how you describe _yourself_?

- Q, we're friends, ok? I know you since forever. I don't hear you talking with anyone about _you_, _your_ _life_, and... And even knowing you since forever, we _never_ talked about what happened to you.

- And I'm not going to talk about it tonight. – I say firmly.

- Please, Q, you don't need to be so closed. The whole baby gate phase was bad enough, but something happened in the last few days, because you've been really weirdo. It's because of Puck? Maybe that guy you were seeing? You can talk to me.

- San, I don't wanna talk about it – My voice raise an octave - And we're going to a _party_, we shouldn't be talking about this!

- I'm just trying to be a good friend!

- And what makes you think that was a guy who did whatever you think that happened? – Suddenly I'm angered, ready to fight, to kill or be kille- - Breathe, Fabray. Just. Breathe.

- Oh. – I get confused with the sudden softness in her voice– Oh, I should have fig… Look. Fine. I'm sorry. I know how hard it can be, dealing with it, I've been there. But I'm here if you need to talk, ok?

She looks at me and sends me a little smile, and I'm just too confused to do more than a nod. She seems satisfied, with that, because then she focuses again in the avenue we're on.

- I can't say I'm too surprised, though. You always were hanging out with those hot guys, but you never seemed too interested. And what with the whole Berry obsession…

- Wait. Stop it right there. – I'm really confused - _What_? What you're talking about?

- C'mon, Fabray, cut out the acting. I always knew you were up to some sweet lady kisses, too.

It takes me some seconds to understand what she's talking about. Next thing I know is that I'm laughing loudly.

- Okay… - she looks triggered – Is this relief for finally coming out for me and not getting crap on about it, or did you just lost your mind?

- Neither of them – I try to stop laughing, as I look at her "what the hell" face – Look, you can stop editing you're gay pride's speech, now, ok? It wasn't a girl who did it to me, anyway. I'm not into girls. Just –I sigh again-, look, no one did it to me. I was born this way. I just think most of the time that I'm better off on my own, okay?

- That's what I was trying to say, you see? This is wrong in so many ways… - she whispered, facing the road.

I look out of the window, trying to suppress my slight annoyance with all this emotional talk. It's been easier to be around Santana now that she's out of the closet – the big amount of time spent with Brittany has made San softer -, but is in these moments, when she's trying to "make the world a better place, full of people without issues'', that I really miss the old Santana Lopez. It's easier think of a comeback than fake sentiments you have no idea what it's like to have.

I see the _PLACA_ with the name of the street of the party's house. We arrived. I don't look at Santana again until she parks and leaves the car. When I leave, she just looks at me with a sad face, but doesn't say anything.

As we walk to the front door, I can take a good look at the house –no, forget about it, this is a mansion, a _huge_ mansion. My bedroom would fit a millions times here. There's must be more than 500 people here, hardly counting, and it's just those who are on the yard. Judging by the noise, it must have another 500 inside the building. And that's what I call a noise: Santana and I could hear the music three blocks away.

- Holy crap, I told you it was going to be BIG!

I look at Santana, practically jumping with excitement beside me, and I really try my best to seem excited too, for her sake. But from the moment I got out of the car, I've been struggling with my old companion. Damn, Fabray. Why tonight? I knew I shouldn't have come.

- Oh, no, you have that look. Are you okay, Quinn? – Santana's looking at me with concern. – It seems you're about to puke or something.

How I wish it was just that. No, it was something more. Something bigger. Dangerous. It was just my hunger talking. And instinctively, my eyes started to hunt.

About 3 meters away from where we stand, a guy was happily talking with other people, but I could see the nervous way he was looking at a blond girl in another group, and how she would look back every now and then, almost like she was feeling his staring, smiling sweetly every time. Almost too far so I couldn't see, two guys are side hugging each other, and I can almost feel the warmth of the gazes they gave each other. The same warmth I sense from a brunette trying to avoid eye contact with a redhead she is listening to.

Those little scenes repeat themselves with small differences all over the place, and once I realize that this is just from the yard, I know I have to make up some excuse to get the hell out of here.

- You know, after all these years, I become a good facial reader of yours. I still suck at some things, once you're all covered up, but the bigger part of it, I totally get it. Do you really have to go, Quinn? You really can't stay?

And as soon as she throw at me her best "puppy dog sad eyes" look, I know I have no chance to drop this thing. She had a point before; it's been a month or more that we don't have a girl's night out. And this party is really a blast.

- It's gonna kill you to stay, right?

- But I'm going to, anyway, because that's what bff do. – I say resigned.

She beams then, and turns to the crowd.

- Now that's what I'm talking about, Fabray!

- Yeah, yeah, we totally should. – I say absently to some drunken guy that's talking to me, as I leave him behind. My head started to deeply throb again, and I need 1) to get away from a couple standing close to me and 2) a cold beer.

It's been like this all night long, always going from one room to another to the backyard then the front door and then from the beginning. Luckily, once the drunks ones started to increase, the love started to fade. Blame it on the alcohol.

After the first half hour, Santana and I lost each other, but I'm pretty sure she will find me if she wants to, so I'm not worried, but it's so much easier when I'm actually interested in a conversation, to begin with. How come in a 1000 people's party I end up talking with all the lame ones? It's against the odds.

While I am in another zombie walk through the party, I hear a girl's laugh that I immediately recognize as Santana's, so I just follow the sound. I shouldn't have.

I just put my feet inside it, but I can't stand another second in this room. Santana is laughing at something her brother, Eric, told her and the redhead standing close to them. The girl smack his arm in an affective way, and Eric put his right arm around her shoulders, kissing her head; they all smiling dearly.

All of those displays of feelings, all those looks, all of _that_, it's feeding my curse in a very dangerous way. Those two, even across the room, make me sense the old warning in my chest, that burning thing screaming for satisfaction. The redhead and Santana's brother are now just stealing glances and furtive smiles, talking with someone else, but still, it doesn't make any difference to me.

I have to do that. I gotta do something, anything, need's killing me, _I can't stand it_. So, before I do something really wrong, I just turn around and run away.

I don't stop running until I'm at Santana's front door, and just then I stop to think about it. I don't have her key, I don't have my key, so I'm stuck in the outside. Or, I would say, the world is stuck with me. Me and my burning chest, begging me to return to the party and just…

I shove my nails in my hands, trying to change the subject of my thoughts, but once I don't have anything to distract me, is pointless to try. I sing, and start to run some more, but give up once I notice I'm heading back to the party without realizing I'm doing it.

It's far beyond 4 o'clock when Santana's car arrives, and thankfully, she's alone.

-Hey, Quinn, are you okay! I looked for you everywhere in that party, you know, after you just seemed to be running from the devil or something, but once I didn't found you anywhere I figured you should have go home, so I went to that thing you call a house, but you obviously wasn't, so I gave up and decided to come home, but I still looked for you in the neighborhood, so that's why it took me so long to be here and-

I stop her half-drunk speech putting my arms heavily around her shoulders and bringing her to a hug. I only notice I'm crying when I hear her words of "it's okay" and "you'll be fine", but I can't bring myself to stop it until she sits me in her comfortable sofa and puts a glass of wine in my hand. I swallow the cold drink as I never had drunk anything in my life before.

Santana look at me considering her options. I can almost hear her brain working. She finally decides something as I finish my glass under a few sobs, and she just pushes me for another hug. Without saying anything, she takes the glass of my hand, lead me to the bedroom I call "mine" and makes me lay down on the small bed.

- Just sleep. We'll have more than enough time tomorrow.

I close my eyes, silently thanking her before immersing in a dreamless sleep.


	2. Chapter 2 The Day After

**Hello, everyone! Sorry it took so long for me to update this, life got just crazy in here. But, here I go again, hope you guys like it!**

**xXxXxXxXxXxXx**

**CHAPTER 2 – THE DAY AFTER**

Something is really annoying me as I slowly wake up, but I can't put my finger on it. I remember a voice, voices, but it was probably just my dreams. All I know is that I'm really thirsty, so I walk aimlessly to Santana's kitchen, hoping it still have a bit of that last night's wine. It does. I take a sip of it, letting the cold sensation gently caress my throat and calm down the uneasiness in me. Wait – _uneasiness_?

I immediately become extra self-aware, trying to remember exactly what happened last night. Well, it's 10 in morning, and I'm pretty sure Santana was alone when she got here, so… I don't understa-

-Quinn? Are you there in the kitchen? Are you decent? – I hear her laugh. I can hear her talking to someone, but I can't understand. A man is talking to her, and I hear some girl laugh. Is the same voice of Er—Crap.

- Yeah, I'm okay. What is it?

- Oh, that's someone I want you to meet. –her voices become louder as she enters the kitchen, followed by the _last_ two people I wanted to see today. Any day.

Santana guides Eric and the same redhead I saw last night into the kitchen, and my unease skyrockets to dangerous levels. The girl is looking at me, and I look into her eyes trying to withhold my face from showing any emotion.

- You were in the party. – I say, staring at her. I can't breathe, my whole body is tense, and my curse is taking its toll on me.

- Yeah, were we introduced? – She looks at me, trying to remember. The girl smiles gently, as she moves to hold Eric's hand.

- No, we weren't. – I just stand there.

Even though she doesn't understand the why, Santana recognizes my "I'm gonna die here" face, so she makes the room for us.

- Oh, sorry. Lauren, this is Quinn, my best friend in the world. Quinn, this is Lauren. She's officially Eric's girlfriend since last night. – She ends the phrase with a giant smile, obviously happy with the fact. The three of them stand there looking at me, waiting for an answer/compliment/whatever, but I can't. I just can't.

Girlfriend? What the hell does she means with _girlfriend_? I didn't even knew he was interested in someone, and now… And how did I let this pass? How could I not sense this enormous and overwhelming and just-too-much-right-now feeling on him? What am I going to do now? My old apartment is no longer mine, and since I obviously can't stand here anymore, it means I have no place to go. I'm homeless. Oh my god, it's gonna be impossible to stay in this town, I'm gonna have to move… Maybe I can stay a couple days with Brittany. Perhaps…

-Quinn? – Santana's smile slowly fade as she repeats my name - Quinn? Are you there?

Lauren-whatever is looking at me like someone looks at an overexcited wild lion, and she probably thinks that I'm insane, but I couldn't care less. If she only knew…

- Oh, that's… Wow. I just – I need find a way to make sense. Santana's gaze is so intense, she's obviously expecting for me to like the girl, but I can't focus, not when he kindly squishes her hand to comfort her. It made my inquietude increase to a point of almost hurting. I'm losing it.

Ok, just breathe. Now, say something. And smile!

- ERIC! – I embrace him, trying to make it appears as enthusiasm, but is just a way to separate them. I look at him, with a big –fake- smile – Oh my god, Eric, you didn't tell me anything! How did you keep something like that as a secret? If I wasn't so happy for you I would be mad at you, silly!

Yeah, Quinn. GREAT job. Keep it up. Be nice. _Get out_.

Santana start to talk about them, and as long I just have to say "oh my god" and "no way", I don't really have to pay attention. Not that I would, anyway. All of the love talk is killing me. Thankfully, when I'm about to scream "Fire!" and run the hell away from them, my cellphone rings at my little room. I apologize and basically _fly_ out of the kitchen.

xXxXxXxXxXx

- Sup, baby mama! How you doing?

Puck's voice fill through the speaker of my phone, and listening to him somehow calms me. Puck's good. Puck's safe. Just breathe, Fabray. Just breathe.

- Hi, Puck. I'm good, thank you. How about you? Having fun in the road trip?

- Been a blast, Quinn. – I can tell he's smiling – You were right about the band idea, we're insane. And Sam just nails the guitar every time. It's awesome.

- I'm glad you're happy, you egghead – I smile as I hear him quietly mumbling "egghead, I'm not an egghead. She's an egghead". – But what you're calling me for? Missing me already?

- You know what it's like, Fabray, I'm always missing you. I just really needed to hear your voice – he's obviously smirking now. That guy, always a charmer. Some things never change.

- Wow, what I catch. I can't believe I ever let you go.

- Oh, c'mon, you always say it, Quinn. That hurts, you know?

We start to laugh after a beat, and flashes of a glee club room and a bad-ass mow hacked-boy cross my mind.

- Nah, okay, here's the thing. I want to ask you a favor. There's a package on my apartment that I need you to get and put on the mail for me. I'll be in a hotel in California by the weekend, so I guess if you send it to me in the next couple of days I'll get it in time.

- Fine, Puckerman, I can do that. But you better bring me a nice t-shirt this time.

- Got it, Quinn. Thank you. Sam and Joe are saying hi. Sam is saying some shit in na'vi, I don't even know.

- Say hi to them. – I smile. – And he's probably saying "lor manari". That nerd.

- Whatever. Guy's crazy, just sayi- Ouch! Damnit, Sam, I'll just – I hear a hustle as Puck drops the phone, and the faint sound of friendly struggle indicates I won't be talking with Puck for a while. Joe picks the phone up.

- Hi, Quinn. – his voice still has the same soft tone as always.

- Hi, Joe. I assume Puck is once again wrestling with Sam?

- You bet it, Q. You're fine?

- Yes, I am, thank you. Tell Puck to text me the address of the hotel, okay?

- Sure, Quinn. Bye.

- Bye!

The smile I have on my face instantly disappears once I hang up the phone. Talking to Puck is easy, has always been; even with Sam I don't have to fake that much. But with Joe was just… Outright awkward.

- Okay, what the hell was this all about?

I turn carefully to the bedroom's door, trying to compose my face into something as close as "yay" as possible.

- What?

- What with you basically flying out of the kitchen? It seemed like you were on fire or something.

Crap.

- No, Santana, I just-

She sighed. All of her body language is saying "I give up".

- Eric got a call too; he and Lauren left one minute after you came to your room. So, when I came to check on you, I heard you talking with Puckerman, and I listened. I'm not ashamed.

I just look at her.

- Won't you say anything? – Her expressions are slowly getting the "Lima Heights' adjacent" aspect and it's not good.

Crap. Crapish crapiest crap. I need to find something to tell her, to settle her, to tell a 'truth' without saying anything so I can leave here without losing her.

I look to the ceiling, hoping to see some sort of answer in the cracks above, but knowing I wouldn't find it, just like I never did before.

xXxXxXxXxXx

I like to say that there is nothing like dealing with hard things with a glass of anything alcoholic in your hand. It makes things flow very easier. That's why I'm with a big cup of wine in a hand, and why I made Santana already took hers. I take a sip of my drink and breathe deeply.

-So, you're telling me or what? What's the big deal?

-Santana, before I say it, you have to understand that it's _not _what it looks like, okay?

- I'm not saying anything, Q. But it _does_ looks like you have a crush on Eric.

- I was just tired, okay – She just looks at me, waiting. –My brain wasn't properly working, that's all.

- Why? It wasn't because a hangover because I've seen you way drunker than last night and you didn't behave like that in the next morning. Then why?

Because Eric lives here and he's with Lauren now and I can't be around them without feeling like I'm about to do something I really shouldn't.

- Because I got a promotion in my job.

A whole minute pass until she reacts. Her face contorts as she tries to decide between laughing at me or punching me. She's deciding on the latter, if her eyes are anything to go by.

- What? Seriously… Do you want me to believe that all that drama was just for this? – Her face is now stoic, her eyes with a low burning anger.

Now is my turn to remain silent, staring. It takes a lot of effort not to snap at her; she probably sensed it, because her voice gets a little softer when she talks again.

- Okay… - she shakes her head – What's _really_ going on?

- Look, I... I just had this job offer a while ago and it's really flipping me over, okay? – I put on my best innocent girl face as look at Santana's eyes – I've been losing sleep because of it; it's a big change and I—

- Cut the crap, Fabray. Spill your guts.

- _Fine! _– That's the deal: give the people what they want – I have a crush on Eric. There, I said it! Satisfied, now?

My voice raised a little to emphasize my annoyance with her, and I compose my face to show just enough to subtle show her I'm for real. I know that my previous denial and the outburst will seal the deal. Just an acting masterpiece I've been doing my entire life.

- Whoa, Q. Calm down – her eyes are now gentle, which means she believed in me – It's okay, I understand. But do you really have to be like that?

- I can't be around them. It physically hurts me to see them together.

Not when I'm so close of losing it all together, San. You don't want a hollow soul as your brother, do you?

- Where you going to stay, then? –she asks, her voice a little tentative, now.

- I don't know, I'll figure that out as it goes. It's not like I've never been in this position before, anyway. – She's about to say something, but I stop her – Look, San, I'm fine. Really. Don't worry about me.

I get up from the sofa, sliding my hands on my dress to smooth it. Turning to her, I force a little smile to grace my lips, and give her a little nod.

- Puck asked me to get a package in his apartment, so I'll get going.

- Will you at least stay one more night? – I start to respond, but she stops me – Eric is having a date tonight, and I thought we could have a girls' night.

By the way she's looking at me I can tell my only answer, my only _right_ answer is 'yes', so I roll my eyes as I leave the room.

-Okay, Satan, I'll stay… But you really should find a life without me! – I shout to her over my shoulder, as I open the front door and leave the house. I'm already on the sidewalk when she shouts something in Spanish back at me, and I laugh with her easy angered self.

xXxXxXxXxXx

The traffic is insane in the drive for Puck's apartment. It rained a bit in the morning, and with the cold weather the wet sidewalks became big bar of soaps, so I'm keeping a score whenever someone falls. It helps pass the time, and is better have fun like this than-

There, now I have 7 points.

The old building where Puck lives have the most degraded outside I've ever seen, but somehow it add a little bit of charm to it. Even though he denied, I know that's the same reason why he choose this place.

I greet the doorman to enter, without identifying myself as I come here so often that people probably think I live here too. I'm so used to this place that I even know its little quirks, like to jump over the 4th step in the stairs, or else I might step right through it and get stuck.

I'm searching for Puck's apartment spare keys inside my purse, my attention completely focused into the quest of finding the lost treasure in the Messy Land, when I suddenly collide with someone, the momentum throwing us both back, and I end up falling ass first on the floor.

I'd like to say that I'm fine, or that what resemble as my pride isn't hurt, but every word I could say or every thought I could have is put to a halt even more brusquely than my fall.

Because when I look ahead to see the one I collided with, I see no one else but the star of my most vivid nightmares. But is when warm brown eyes stare into mine and a somewhat fierce face melt down into a knowing one, a huge smile following just after, is that I realize that I'm screwed.

Because I know that the one thing I've been afraid the most is in a countdown to happen.


End file.
